Dostoyevsky Fyodor. Notes from Underground

Translated by Constance Garnett.
Webster’s Thesaurus Edition for PSAT, SAT, GRE, LSAT, GMAT, and AP English Test Preparation.I am a sick man. I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe
my liver is diseased. However, I know nothing at all about my disease, and do
not know for certain what ails me. I don't consult a doctor for it, and never have,
though I have a respect for medicine and doctors. Besides, I am extremely
superstitious, sufficiently so to respect medicine, anyway (I am well-educated
enough not to be superstitious, but I am superstitious). No, I refuse to consult a
doctor from spite. That you probably will not understand. Well, I understand it,
though. Of course, I can't explain who it is precisely that I am mortifying in this
case by my spite: I am perfectly well aware that I cannot "pay out" the doctors by
not consulting them; I know better than anyone that by all this I am only injuring
myself and no one else. But still, if I don't consult a doctor it is from spite. My
liver is bad, well — let it get worse!I have been going on like that for a long time — twenty years. Now I am forty.
I used to be in the government service, but am no longer. I was a spiteful official.
I was rude and took pleasure in being so. I did not take bribes, you see, so I was
bound to find a recompense in that, at least. (A poor jest, but I will not scratch it
out. I wrote it thinking it would sound very witty; but now that I have seen
myself that I only wanted to show off in a despicable way, I will not scratch it
out on purpose!)